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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.